Time Flew Right Past Me!

I don’t think I’ve written here in years!

What has happened in that time? Life. I’ve seen the end of life, the beginning of life, the turning of many chapters. I’ve cried many tears, and laughed so hard till i almost pee’d myself. Simply put life happened.

It was at the end of one part of my life that I asked the question… why is my life seemingly stagnant. It’s there ever  there… not changing, not growing. I felt i let life pass me by, i lived in the past, constantly reliving my college days yearning for it. i feared the future, i didn’t treasure the present. Maybe thats one of the reasons she divorced me.

I gave no life. I lived none of it, even if it was right before me.

So now I work hard to live life in as many ways as possible. There is a need to see the past, live the now, and dream the future. The paradox is that it needs to happen all at once! The burden is to not let one overwhelm the other and yet be present in all.

I don’t think i have figured that part out. But i do hope i can learn to come to some form of balance. Life will never be perfect now, it may be in the future. For now… its enough!

I can’t say that my life now is perfect. It is far from it. But i am grateful for the now so much! because it has been given its gift from the past. Our past defines how we see the now. But it is in the now that we must be aware of the gift the past has given us to be able to have the gift of now! and in doing that form the gift for the future!

There is no simple explanation in my mind now. Just that sense that after you’ve run a race at half time you reflect, getting ready for the next two quarters. i look forward to it. I look forward to life!

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I Feel Stuck

It feels like a rut. Like I’m running in place going no where. Right now it feels like I am expanding a lot of energy and going nowhere. It not that there is nothing done, there is tonnes of things being done on so many fronts, I work a full time job, teach in a second job, I’m actively in church, dedicated every Thursday exclusively to the one night I have with my daughter, spent every spare time with my family, and still try to find time to be with friends.

Yet it all feels like i am running on a treadmill, all that energy spent but I don’t seem to be going anywhere. I am bleeding out somewhere. I thought I have all the holes in my life plugged. I should be in a happy place now, but I don’t seem to be. Maybe since the divorce there has been a hole in my life. And it is a hole on the she can fill.

While it can never ever happen again. for the life of me I can’t see a way to mend the situation and all communication seems to be burnt. I can’t rebuild, I can’t move on. and thats why I feel stuck, I feel like everything is just revolving around this one thing. and maybe, it wont’ go away. Maybe i just need to get used to it.

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Go Find Rainbows

Life is unpredictable. It’s volatility is beautiful, and exciting; It can be horrible at on time and very quickly turn for the best or vice versa. Yet in the chaos of life there are scenes we often miss that are beautiful.

There are rainbows in the midst of storms and there is always something God is doing that is good despite everything we see going on around us.

My challenge in my station in life right now is to find those rainbows. In a blink my life spiraled crazily out of control. I lost everything, rather my definition of everything in my life. My marriage ended because of my mistakes. I lost the ability to see my daughter, lost my job, i fell into a dark pit i didn’t know how to get our of.

But now I can say in hindsight, that there is nothing completely bad. There are rainbows, do we look for them? Do we take time to look out for them? Sometimes in the gloom of life we miss out on the most beautiful thing we could experience. The rain doesn’t kill us, it is the gloom.

So whatever season you are in now, look for the rainbows.

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IT Is Already Written!

You may look at your life now, and see the pit you are in. You can’t see the way things connect and you can’t see the future dots and how they fit into your life. You look at the things you have gone through, it makes sense in some ways, and if you are going through a mess right now, you see everything you’ve done in a complete mess! Nothing is left, nothing stands in reminiscence of what used to be.

You look into the future and you try to find something to rebuild in reminiscence of what used to be. But that is not what will happen. You will not be able to recover what was there, even if it is even close to what was. Don’t fall in the trap of trying to build something up just for you to feel like you have something familiar. We all want to have something familiar, we want to feel something we have felt, the familiarity of the things we had before, the comfort of the predictable.

But we need to move on, maybe it seems like the unknown, maybe it maybe be scary, it may even seem uncertain. Nothing in the future is certain for us because we cannot see how the dots connect. But have comfort in this: It is already written! Your future is written by the one who holds your hands through the storm. Your story is told by the one who breathed life into all things. Your days have been written by the one who placed the stars in their place and made the intricate fibers of every living thing.

You may not see it, and you may not be able to see it all the time but your life, your story and its outcome is already written. Follow the dots. Do not look back to try to rebuild everything that is already lost. The future of things lie ahead of you, if you would only reach for it, for it has already been written. Have faith that what God has planned for you in the future is for your better, have faith that your past does not define you but what God has planned, have faith that all things; all things work together for the good of those who trust in Him.

Know that the future is not determined by the past alone. You will have to face the consequence of it, or any decision you made: right or wrong. But your future doesn’t only rest on that alone, it rest in the hands of the one you are putting your faith and hands in and trusting in His leading.  Trust in the future He wrote.

 

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There are days

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There are days where you don’t feel strong enough. Nights where you struggle to sleep with the weight that is on your mind. There are mornings that you struggle to open your eyes. Not from the fatigue of crying yourself to sleep the night before, and not from the physical strain you are putting yourself through to not feel the emotional pain that you are experiencing.

Sometimes those days turn into weeks, even months. Those days linger and seem like a cloud over you. You get frustrated, angry; thinking: “why is it that you feel this way?”, “why can’t I be normal?”. They’re all valid questions, but there is n need to answer them, for there will not be a good enough answer to adequately answer it. More importantly you need to know that it is alright to stay in this season. It is not wrong to grieve, to cry, be weak, and not bother. Time is not the essence here, your processing the emotions, the situation, the pain is more important.

It may take time, but it is the necessary investment to finally move on. One day you’ll feel hungry, one day you’ll feel like getting off the bed, or that dark room you’ve hidden yourself in. One day fear will not be like a scarf around your neck, familiar, and oddly comforting, but slowly strangling you. One day you;ll feel better, and the air fresher, the breeze, the sun, the laughter of children and the sight of a smile not a hard painful jab to your heart.

It’s not that you’ll never experience those days again, They come back through different seasons in your life. But know that they only stay for a season, and time is relative to it, time is a separate factor in dealing with those days. Just remind yourself: There are days.

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I have got no one to blame but me!

The emptiness I feel: there is no one to blame but me. The pain in my gut that wrecks me every moment I am awake: I have no one to blame but me. The feeling of loss and grief: there is no one to blame but me. I have lost everything I hold dear, the front I have put up and fought so hard to keep, is falling and crumbling before me. I thought there would be relief in those times; when the walls come down. But the pain that it reveals and the bridges that have been burnt that it reveals and the people that i have crushed and killed that are revealed is too much to bear. But I have no one to blame but me. 

 

I have caused every bit of heart ache I feel. The lonely emptiness I fear won’t go away. The regret and feeling of helplessness and being lost are so overwhelming. Why Lionel did you do this? why did you cause yourself so much grief and pain? 

 

I don’t see a way out nor do I see a real healing in the long term. I don’t see hope. Where is hope? I used to have it? Why do you fleet from me now? I have no one to blame but me. 

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Are We Actually That Irresponsible?

I just rad something disturbing. It made me wonder what the future will hold for education in our country. I also wonder what kind of people we are… What kind of person am I trained to be?

I feel very strongly that we are raising a generation of people who do not understand the meaning of the word: responsible. Thought it is a word we all know but it hold no traction in our conscience, it has no meaning in our usage. I feel this for myself that we have been thought that there is almost no consequence to our action, there is no accountability to our words, and now that there is really no responsibility to how we raise the next generation. 

Here I am hearing that people do say that they find no moral offence in bribing or receiving it. And they then turn around and blame bad thing going on, or the discomfort or lack of development or what ever their disgruntled about on the government being corrupt, receiving bribes and running the country into ashes. 

Where is the logic in that statement? I find myself in that bid a few times myself. I said something brash and didn’t think too much of it, but it made me look inconsistent. Now It seems that is what the psyche of the modern generation is like. There is no long term weight, no prudence, no holding your tongue, no checking yourself. 

We raised a generation that is bold and out spoken… wonderful… but we didn’t teach them ethics, responsibility or some common sense to go along with that boldness. 

I attribute it to the upbringing I have received. I am let to develop on my own. There was no guide, no voice in my head, no person who will keep me in check. I was raised to be confident, erring on the side of pride, that I would often not listen because I thought more of myself than I thought of you. 

What scares me is am I going to teach this to the next generation. How am I to stop myself from putting stupid things in the head of the next generation? 

It starts with humility, a misunderstood and shunned concept these days. people tend to step on nice guys or honest folks. They are called weak in a dog eat dog world, maybe their strength is misunderstood. 

The challenge for me is to unlearn all that I have to forget the irresponsibility I have been thought and turn the tide for myself. I may not be able to change my generation but I can change me and maybe give enough strength for my child to stand strong in the face of the tide she has to face. 

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