Hahahehesobsobgrr’s Weblog

March 12, 2009

I Never Knew It Would Be So Hard!

Filed under: Grr..., Sob Sob :( — hahahehesobsobgrr @ 1:20 am

Life has a way of seeming easy but when you walk that road, it can be the most excruciating journey you will ever embark on. For me I see people and say, that’s do-able, or that’s easy, I’ll be able to do better or just the same but with minimal effort.

 

I call it pride and naivety, more pride than naivety. But that the realization that I am going through with my wedding and even my challenge of the marathon. Come June I must be ready for 42km and I am no where near, but the thing is I keep telling myself I’m not that bad and I’m still ok I still have time. I don’t have the luxury of time and I don’t have the luxury of procrastination. That is my biggest failure in life and I’m so helpless at combating it because I want to break the cycle, but yet when people come along to spur me, I bite at them like a wild beast trapped and frustrated. And in the end I’m left alone and still wallowing in the pits. Sigh, how grim. I want to break the cycle I want the discipline to make my mind and body my slave. I want a relentless spirit, one that will never rest its laurels, I want a drive that can never be quenched.

 

And the next thing is my wedding. It’s so tough and so frustrating Charity and I are just resorting to let go and if we really do get married, Hurray! But even if we don’t its like who cares!? We gave up the will to struggle to make things work we get more frustrated and we get so tired and mad at ourselves in the end. What is the purpose of marriage? The celebration of two lives becoming one? Or is it for every one to be happy dress up, look good, show off, make a statement or is it really making it a day for people to remember it? Resorts claim to make it memorable but they don’t care, companies say that they understand it is all just a façade making themselves look caring, but in actual fact they don’t care. All this PR is just to make you feel loved and cared for, it creates a very shallow understanding of care. Many talk the talk, but never walk the walk.

               

                How then? What now? I’m frustrated and lost. Tired and just un-motivated. Dull and hurtful… I feel like a durian that fell to the floor so hard although people want to pick it up is smell and thorns drive others away like a natural mosquito repellant. Where is my focus, have I lost it that bad? Am I that bad?

February 25, 2009

New Phase

Filed under: HAHA HEHE — hahahehesobsobgrr @ 5:09 pm

Last week my pre-marital counseling began. And well it is interesting, I went in there not knowing what to expect. And it was so different, for those of you who had to go through pre-marital counseling; it must have been a mix of excitement and fear. It was for me, I was so afraid I would not be compatible to the person I love, but then again that was not how things turned out. It was a journey to learn to how to make this relationship to work.

            We hear all the time that people want to take their relationship to the next level. And that is usually mean moving in, or buying a house or something. But this is really taking things to the next level. It is not about how the relationship is, pre-marital counseling is not about how to get married. It is about how to take your relationship to the next level beyond the romance, beyond the hype and beyond the idealism; pre-marital counseling is about taking all these emotional factors and make the relationship real and functional. I’ve always thought that I was a more level headed guy when it comes to emotions and relationships. But this really takes it beyond me ,and shows me that I still have idealisms in my mind. I’m still a young man right?

            And the other thing that sorta shocked me is the homework and the reading assignments. LOL! Gosh there is reading assignments I thought you just go there share listen and come out, but this is different, this is like sitting in a course. Oh Boy! I’m still excited juggling my current course work with this new course work but I’m enjoying it. And I’m learning to love Charity in a real way. Not that I didn’t love her before but this time it is different, it is deeper, it is real and tangible.

February 11, 2009

This Is Who We Should Be!

Filed under: Grr..., Randomness, Sob Sob :( — hahahehesobsobgrr @ 5:16 pm

This is an abstract from an assignment I did for a subject in my studies a reflection on something I heard from somewhere but I can’t remember. I would like to acknowledge the real author but I just can’t figure out where I heard it before. So if anyone knows please do let me know for his work is brilliant. I’ve adapted it and took its essence and applied it to something I felt strongly about.

            Here’s the deal, we have made the church a social club. There once was a story of a costal town where shipwrecks frequently happened. But the fatality rate was surprisingly low. It was because there was a small shed which sat right at the water’s edge with a small group of dedicated men looking out for shipwrecks and rescuing drowning sailors. The shed was simple, shabby and rather run down. But it offered hope and assurance that no matter what happened there is someone looking out for the welfare of the sailors. Soon many lives were saved and touched by the mission of the shed. And the people blessed by the rescuers and the mission of the shed gave back to the group of people and even joined them in their life saving efforts. So a brand new shed was built, beautiful and well painted. The metal bunks replaced with nice comfortable beds, the hard wood floor replaced with plush carpeting, the little fire place sitting in the middle of the room that gave warmth to wet and cold sailors was changed into a large bricked fire place with a log fire burning always. Although the changes were made, the life saving mission still happened, but soon, some of the members are getting annoyed that the wet cold sailors are wetting and ruining the carpet, sofas and beds. So after awhile a small group broke from the original house now turned fraternity and restored the original mission of the shed. But as it continued to rescue and save lives, the trend continued like the first shed. Now along the coast many shipwrecks still happen, but hardly anyone is rescued and the fatality rate is extremely high, because all the sheds have turned into clubs.

            The church has almost become like this. Thank God it hasn’t reached that state but we will be if we do not change soon. We have forgotten to stand for the weak, the helpless and the needy. We were saved because we were helpless and lost. We were drowning in our sin but now that we have it good, we forget. The church is  in danger of being a social club concerned with rules and facades, forgetting its original mission and how and why we exist in the first place. Like Paul standing for a slave (Onesimus) that has no worth, a slave that should be punished for his sins, Paul stood by him, rescued him, and gave him a life and a reason to live. Got hi act together and is now vouching for him. We must not lose sight of what we are called to do: feed the needy, defend the weak and stand for justice. And I believe we will relive the mission of old and see so much more people coming to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior. We will save these drowning souls and give them a reason to live.

            This is how we should be. Maybe its time for us to remember that and come back to God.

February 10, 2009

What is this life?

Filed under: Uncategorized — hahahehesobsobgrr @ 12:59 am

Look around us, what have we made ourlives to be?

Honestly I see millions of people running arounnd chasing what? what is all this running around for? why are we sometimes so petrified for? what are we chasing?

Its sad to see sometimes we ae chasing the wind. Never ending string of “A’s”, achievement of success, things; objects that fill our life and homes but don’t fill our soul. What do we think we can achieve by all this? Will it make our life better? Hardly.

We’ve chased too many rabbits into too many holes now we are stuck, chasing things that we cannot catch and just chasing what people say is beautiful.

The question is, can we see beauty that is just in front of us? Can we see the beauty of the sun rise and say Wow, thats worth more than my pay check, instead of concentrating on the jam we are stuck in angry that we might be late for work. Or can we see that beauty of the people around us, the people that love us and thank God for it because no one really cares for us than these people. Can we hear and know beauty when we see it?

Sadly the answer is clear, we don’t know what good thing we have in our lives. That is until it has passed us by or we loose it. Its actualy a sad existance if you see it that way. We work so hard to acquire the things that we think we need, all whilst loosing what we actually need and when it is gone we realise what we really need but can’t get it back anymore, so we try to get again what we trully need, but then loose track and the cycle starts all over again.

Maybe we need to make the earth stand still, throw away all these ‘burdens’ all these ‘wants’ see things differently.

This reminds me of a article i read, it basically states: in an ordinary setting, where everything is un assuming, will we see beauty?

The sad answer is no. we fail to see the greatest beauty that can be right in front of us.

Maybe its time to appreciate beauty from now on, life would be so much more beautiful, don’t you think?

January 29, 2009

I’m Back

Filed under: Uncategorized — hahahehesobsobgrr @ 1:03 pm

I’ve decided to try writing again. It has been two months since I wrote.

I guess I have so much on my mind and so much that happened. My proposal, my holidays with Charity, Visiting Wedding Fairs, there seems to be so so much that is going on, I just put my blog and writing on hold, althought there is so much on my mind.

But, I am going to write again i think i must and should, or I’ll get rustier.

LOL so look out, there more to come… definately more to come.

December 3, 2008

Ah… Rest

Filed under: Randomness — hahahehesobsobgrr @ 7:29 am

So things has finally drawnto an end. As most of my readers may have noticed the obvious lack of entries in this blog. It is not that I have abandoned it, it is just that there was so many things eating into my time, I did not have time to update as much as  could.

Well, I’m Back and will begin writing again. the thing i notice is that how things just consume time. and i want to take time to rest and relax these days. just calm down and let things settle. i have been having too many ADHD moments these few days and it is really taking a toll on me, on Chrity and the people around me. i am so frustrated and tired. i just want to relax and calm down and in doing so realign myself and focus on what needs to be done next. But thankfully things have gone relatively smooth these few months.

Lets see what turns up a

 fter this.

November 1, 2008

Beach, Beach, Beach

Filed under: Uncategorized — hahahehesobsobgrr @ 2:11 am

After slogging for a year with no major rest or holiday i have the opportunity to just unwind.

LOL i look forward to the sun, sea, sand and my girl…

Urgh i want Pangkor Now!!!!!

Makes you wanna just chill at the beach right?

Makes you wanna just chill at the beach right?mmmmmm i can

September 17, 2008

Intimidating

Filed under: Randomness — hahahehesobsobgrr @ 5:06 pm

I was told not only today but a few times already from Charity that I have a very intimidating demeanure. I could hardly beleive it at first but after a while I do think I have. when I respond in certain ways it probably comes out. I don’t mean for it to come out, and I don’t that I in tentionally do it, but apparently people especially Charity see’s it and gets affected.

Maybe thats why people say that I’m scary when they first meet me. And that I look very fierce when I am in fact prety playful and childish and firendly. Do I look that mean?

I don’t think my question is if its true, I beleive it is but the question is when and under what circumstances does it come out and is it really bad?  I need help to identify and also address the issue…

I blame my Dad’s face… He also got very fierce face mah. LOL… but dun blame him entirely, If I am handsome… I think I am…. then also must thanks him… his good gene’s mah… lol…. but since I look like my dad then my fierce face comes from him lah… lol…

September 3, 2008

I Hate Throw Offs!

Filed under: Grr..., HAHA HEHE, Sob Sob :( — hahahehesobsobgrr @ 3:24 pm

 

I hate throw offs, I do. I’m a person that just hates changes to schedules and sudden changes and inconveniences. Maybe I face it so often at work I got sick of it. maybe it’s my ADHD and mainly I blame that but I really get upset and get so cheesed of when that happens to me. And this year has been a lot of that and more importantly when I am at camp. The youth camp this year was such a throw off and honestly I was so boiled up inside I just didn’t know what to do at times. And what more, I hate throw offs at camp, especially at camp. To me camp is vital for inspiration, refilling, just overall goodness must flow from camp. For me camp usually has to be great, and not boring, physically exciting and lots of chill out.

This camp was another great throw off. First was the departure, not only were the people late, well not that late but late enough I was anxious that the traffic will be so clogged because of people travelling and I hate jams. Throw off no. 1. Ok so finally we are ready to go and everyone is here, but the campsite being relatively unknown made it that all the cars had to follow to lead cars and one had to be the tail car. So a convoy and formation was formed, and we rolled out. Throw off no. 2 – apparently our church members have no idea how important it is to keep to predetermined speed limits and formations in a convoy! And the lead car did not think to inform tail cars if there would be a stray or a car turning back. But left us all guessing and trying to catch up. Throw off because I was upset the drivers were just going on their own way which they shouldn’t, but they don’t really care, but I was worried that they won’t find the campsite. Although it is premature because we are on a highway, but I just hate a sudden change of the system and that they did not follow simple explicit instructions.

Well the journey went on and we reached the campsite, after a long while. The journey seemed to take longer than expected, but I enjoyed the view of the drive, and the treasure hunt was also a good way to keep me awake. But upon arrival and a famished stomach because we were to eat breakfast at the campsite; we were greeted by a breakfast so measly it was horrible!!! How can there be not enough food for KKAOG!? LOL we love our food right? But anyways that was just a minor throw off, which lead to throw off 3. Just before we began our service, a vital fuse that regulates power to the block our lodging and meeting hall blew, leaving us with no air-con and in the dark. What a way to start everything.

The resort swiftly rectified that and placed us in a different hall and got power back up really fast. Kudos to the team and management! Then we went out for a caving exploration and jungle trekking. I enjoyed those activities a lot! But I was kinda disappointed with the attitude of some of the people, upon hearing that there will be leeches and ‘natural’ stuff, they refrained and had a million excuses NOT to go, I would go at a whim man! The cave was nothing really too spectacular, but you get to see the wonder of God in different ways and it was something really different and refreshing. It was nice and it felt quite comfortable, it was easy enough for everyone and yet nice, and an eye opener for many. My only complaint is the guide is long winded, maybe it’s just the way of a more laid back culture. The jungle trek was nice it was challenging, more than the many trails I have gone where it was just steps and easy trails. But this was really good trails of logs and thick under growth and just something refreshingly different from the usual boring trails and this had really good nature display, fallen trees, great ancient stones that are not the foundations of great trees, beautiful displays of creation. And the river crossing was just so fun! The water; oh so cool and swift. Not dangerous although the church members made it sound like a raging torrent to thread! Well there were episodes of ‘the attack of the leeches’ but I don’t think these were that great, though the screamed SO loud!!! I think leeches have got a bad press and we really misunderstand them the poor little things aren’t that bad. In fact they are good, it’s just we city slickers can except anything that doesn’t feel or look hygienic and feels urky. What more the idea that it sucks our blood!!! So anyway some were bitten, and this is where I have discovered something quite interesting I have been in the jungle many times and encountered many leeches, but I have never been bitten by them. I would be able to pull it off and get them off before they bite me or they just never sucked me. So any way I picked two leeches to try to coax them to suck me. And I waited. And waited for them to do their natural instinct. But after a long wait, they just would not bite. Maybe leeches find my skin too thick, or protected by a layer of fat that they find hard to penetrate, or just not tasty. Either way they just don’t bite me.

And after the tiring hike and cave we make our way home. Cold and tired we reached home and had our dinner. And while getting ready, the electricity to the entire resort was cut off, the main line blew. At that point I had enough. I was pissed, annoyed at some people and just have quite a bad day. The meeting went on though and some of us had no chance to get freshened up for the service. Throw off no 4. And next was the biggest throw off in the camp – God moved! That service, God decided to move in such a way no one can deny Him being there and the weight of the glory of God could be felt in such a tangible way! Knees wwere bowed, tears were cried, a parable was shared and many lives were changed from that moment on because they came face to face with the Living God! One word – Amazing! Describes it all.

The next day things went on fine with the tour of the cottage industries which included a peanut factory, tou foo factory, mushrooms, then a elephant sanctuary and a deer sanctuary. Nothing short of tiring and the weather was beating down on us hard with each stop. And frankly some people just annoyed me. And throw off no 5. The bus upon faithfully serving us the entire day broke down! 30km from the resort. A distance near to behold but too far to imagine. LOL. But the replacement was really fast and comfy. Throw off no. 6 was the paintball at the end of the camp. They were delayed by an entire hour and the marshal was just too longwinded for my taste. Or I was just anxious to shoot people. but sadly not everyone was a good sport and could take the pain. And I have to admit I am also not the best of sports but the pain was not that bad for me. But among the people we had some really interesting surprises in Chris Chin and Aunty Michelle! They were amazingly good and while my team lost miserably in the championship match, we still had fun.

I still hate throw offs, and although good that has come from the throw off seem clearer now u still find them hard to deal with. But if it wasn’t for the throw off I don’t think God could have moved so greatly. He had to throw us off so we were just expectant; He had to throw us off so that we would focus on Him. I believe now that if not for the throw offs I would not see some people in different lights, I would not see people not normally talking chatting away. I would not get to know people I normally do not have the chance to catch, I would not see families coming together, I would not see people that were more particular than me in always such good cheer, I would not have seen things in a different light and God may not have been able to move that wonderfully and we experience him so marvellously, ministering so deeply. Still I hate throw offs, but I am learning o cope with them. The lessons learnt were far deeper than I can digest and is a big challenge for me. I look forward to learn them and apply them, for one I must walk my talk and talk my walk more. I must embody Christ and not just live a form without the true power! I hate throw offs, I do, but I can learn to love them too! J

August 23, 2008

Oh No!

Filed under: Randomness — hahahehesobsobgrr @ 3:44 am

22.7km and three weeks later, now i have lost discipline!

Sigh, kinda lazy to run and find it hard to inspire myself to do just that. i woke up this morning to run and i was so so so tempted to lie there and just rest, i just came from a camp and i have a sprained ankle i said to myself, but the truth is that i am lazy. I just find it hard to run. And i fear I might have put on some pounds.

Hahahahahaha… i got contempted with my achievements. i find myself kinda like this maybe thats why i always have a last minute push for runs and dun really loose weight or gain the body i want.

few things i need to look at in my running:

  1. my running style i just checked and i am halfway through my rip in my heels. Andi just bought that pair of shoes before my Adidas run
  2. my taking care of myself. my injuries, my legs, spraining them too often…. thats not good
  3. my intake. I love food too much, maybe i should pray for God to take my appetite away:)
  4. ways to motivate me torun
  5. shaving time off the clock. faster running = more medals:)

mwahahahah…. any tips?

but the good part is that mroe and more people are running in my chruch. motivating me to keep running and keep up with them:) i need to be fitter!!!!

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