Hahahehesobsobgrr's Weblog

Time For Adjustments That Many Find Hard To Do.

hahahehesobsobgrr — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 12:45:04 +0000

I was reading this mail sent to me, and thought it was an awesome thing to know not only for me, but for every couple, parent and in-law. Every part of us needs to know this every part of our family, and we need to learn to just try to get along and not demand…

Making Room for The In-Laws Over the Holidays

Deborah J. Thompson

Remember when yours was a young family? The transition of being single to being married? Then along came the kids and things changed again. And when the holidays rolled around, you had a potentially problematic dilemma on your hands.

How could you preserve the traditions from your own childhood that you held so dear?
How would you be able to make time and room for your spouse’s family and their traditions?
What “new” customs and rituals would you forge with your own growing family?

Were you ever torn between your two families? Did you feel that you always had to compromise and “be flexible”? Was it hard to find “your” place with your in-laws? Where there ever hurt feelings? Did you spend a lot of your early years and holidays traveling from one family to another?

And remember when you finally had a home of your own and it was important to you to spend some of the holidays at home? Maybe you wanted to cook your first turkey in your kitchen. Or you had visions of barbequing with the guys in your backyard.

Somewhere along the way, you began breaking away from your childhood customs and established your own unique observances that fit the needs of your growing family. How supportive were your families of these inevitable changes?

If your “growing” family has grown up, gotten married and therefore brought new members into the fold, your adult children are going through the same period of adjustment that you had to make so many years ago.They are now part of someone else’s family as well, which means that so are you! And as special and sacred as your holiday traditions have become to you and your family through the years, it is now time for you to compromise and be flexible once again.

Your daughter-in-law may be a terrible cook, but that doesn’t really matter — does it? Isn’t it more important that she feels a part of your family and therefore her contributions (whatever they may be), are welcomed? Your family will survive eating her pumpkin pie rather than yours. She may eventually learn to cook, but how quickly will she forget if you don’t allow her to play an important role in the festivities?

Or your new son-in-law is really looking forward to carving that big bird at Thanksgiving. Sure, that’s always been your job, Dad. And yes, hedoesn’t know what he is doing. But he’s a lot more likely to learn if given the chance than if you continue to do it for him. And is a well-carved turkey more important than a well-crafted relationship with your daughter and her new husband?

Mom and Dad, your roles are still important to the family. But as your children grow up and marry, not only do your roles change, but the way in which you accept those changes can make all the difference in the tone and future development of your family’s relationships.

It is important that you embrace your in-laws and allow space in your family for them and for the traditions that are just as important to them as yours are to you. No longer can you expect that “every Christmas Eve” or “every Sunday lunch” be spent at your house. Even if the 1^st Saturday of every month has always been a family cookout, you may have to adjust your expectations of who will regularly attend.

Your son or daughter and their spouses need the understanding and freedom to make whatever plans suit their family’s needs. And these plans may clash with the way your family has “always done” things. To ensure they never feel unreasonable demands being placed on them from all sides, it is crucial for you to be gracious and accommodating with your expectations. The last thing you want for your children’s marriage is for your family to be a source of conflict between them.

And remember, his or her family has their expectations too. So your adult children are trying desperately to please both families and probably failing miserably in the process, not to mention dreading the holidays altogether!

So take a moment to examine your expectations:

Have you just “assumed” that they would be at a particular gathering?
Are you willing to change your long-standing family plans to accommodate the new demands on your married children?
Did you allow your feelings to be hurt when they had to miss an event?
Have you experienced a sense of jealousy when they spent the holidays with the other side of their family?
Have you ever made them feel guilty for not being with your family?

In order for you NOT to be part of the problem, it is wise to be part of the solution. The easier you make things for them, the more likely they are to want to include you in whatever plans they make for themselves. And isn’t that your true goal—to spend valuable time together?

Why not think outside the box?

What’s wrong with going to your son-in-law’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving? Or inviting your daughters in-law’s family to spend Christmas Eve at your house? Maybe they have never been to a Midnight Mass and would love the beauty and reverence of that special candlelight service. You can always collaborate with your children and their family to come up with a fun trip or cruise that all can enjoy. Or imagine spending New Year’s Eve with the grandchildren instead of Christmas. Those fireworks can be as awe-inspiring to a young child as Santa’s visit.

And if your worse fears actually do come true, and you and your spouse find yourselves alone again over a holiday for the first time in 30 years, then think back to what you did way back when—you might just enjoy this new-found freedom from responsibility. No shopping, no cooking, no preparing guest rooms for overnight visitors. You can go out to a nice restaurant or even rent a cozy little cabin in the mountains and rediscover why you fell in love and created this family in the first place!

Be the example you want to set for your children. Just because they are now adults, your role as parent is not over! You still have much to teach them as you experience each stage of life before they do.

Remember, you will always be a step ahead of where your children are going. You will always get there “first”, which gives you a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate by your example, how to transition gracefully through all of life’s changes. So start today by being the best in-law you can possibly be. Make spending time with your family as enjoyable for your children and their spouses as it is for you.

Let your presence be such that wherever you are, when your family is gathered together with you, they can breathe a peaceful collective sigh and say, “I am exactly where and with whom I want to be—This is HOME!”

“For the sake of my family and friends, I will say, “Peace be within you.” Psalm 122:8

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister.

Intentional Words

hahahehesobsobgrr — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 04:11:37 +0000

I Have come to the sad realization that language is dead. The use of language is alive and it is most necessary for life. How else can you tell someone that you love them? Or that you are hungry or even that you hate them? Yet beyond the use of words and the spoken word language is dead.

There is no place in peoples minds for the intentional use of words. When you chose to use words intentionally to bring about a deeper meaning, then you are looked at weird because they do not understand it. and they then react rather hostile to you. In fact they often then brand you as a show off and think that you are doing intentionally to insult or even put them down. None of those intentions are there but they fact is that language has so much in it. But the saddest thing is that people has lost the art of it or even stopped seeing the beauty in it. it is not clever but more ‘clever’. To speak to people one must use completely simple words with no need to think or understand. the words must be made plain, simple short and often an absent need to process what was communicated.

With that he standards of what can be said and how it is said is so limited. Hardly anyone gets a clever joke… There has been countless times when a joke is told that requires you to think is told and he punch line is cleverly delivered and they people do not laugh! in fact they stare at you in disbelief… ” is that really a joke?” I don’t know whether to laugh at them or laugh at the joke… but these same people will laugh hysterically when crude jokes are told.

When will people see the beauty of words again?

Is Slavery Dead?

hahahehesobsobgrr — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 04:03:15 +0000

Is Slavery dead in a modern world like this? Has it been slain by the many great warriors of justice that have fought so hard and in the end they gave their lives to see the the ideals of justice and slavery destroyed!

Slavery: a condition compared to that of a slave in respect of exhausting labor or restricted freedom. here is a dictionaries definition of what slavery is. so is this still around?

Yes! In my mind Slavery is very much alive in this modern era as it was in the days of old. it is less inhumane in some sense and disguised in many ways, but it is not dead. Let us consider the conditions of slavery.

1. They must come from seemingly poorer states of living, are uneducated and they should be in need!

2. They are shipped by the thousands, cheated of their dreams and treated less than humans

3. they do what the masses do not want to do, they lowly jobs, they are treated with no respect and have been shown no dignity.

while this is not the only definition of slavery, this is the most prevailing visual we all know… but then how different is it from today’s domestic helper? I am referring to our maids, I am talking about the immigrants trying to make a living. The Spirit of slavery has resurrected from the graves and lives on now in the trade of ‘domestic helpers’

Why do we sometimes treat them like they are dumb? Why do we treat them like they mean nothing? why are we unwilling to give them holidays, why do we treat them less than humans? why are they treated like animals pushed into poor living conditions, sidelined and even mistreated, lied to and told that they can have dreams but crush them with one devastating blow when we cheat them of their dreams and sell them into ‘domestic helpers’. Why have we become so lazy to do the essentials? It is because we are more ‘educated?” If we are educated why can’t we see the worth in people, in those people who help us. Remember they are ‘helpers’ not persons to do everything for us. they are meant to assist in the chores that we are already doing to help us so we can do ours better not replace us… they are not termed ‘domestic cleaning replacers’, aids not replacers… what a big difference and for people who are educated to not be able to tell the difference between two easy fundamental words? are we more educated then?

I am not talking about anyone in particular but just a general trend I hear going around. When did we as ‘humans’ got better than any other humans? Are our bloods somehow more precious? Are our lives somehow better because we are educated? It hurts to hear that these people who are human and the bloodline of humanity runs in them as much as it runs in us.

I admit I am not perfect there are times that i get very frustrated at them and well they have their quirks…. they have their ways of thinking and their ways of doing things that may not suit our lives and lifestyles. But this is the natural process of synergy that comes when two contrasting cultures converge in close proximity. It was the same for America in the days… look at the film Gangs of New York… We must embrace the cultural clash, take the time to educate them and help them maybe improve their view and understanding of things and then maybe just maybe you see them rise better than you can ever dream when you oppress them and treat them like dirt.

I admit some of my thinking and attitudes have to change but I want to see them as human and never again as a Slave…. We constantly wish people long life and prosperity. But today I wish a Swift and painful death! May slavery die forever… may we see the nails that go on the coffin sealed forever may the idea and the spirit of slavery die forever and never be resurrected. May it’s memory and it’s scars be erased and forgotten forever!

God work through the Church or Directly in the World?

hahahehesobsobgrr — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 06:29:36 +0000

A thought provoking statement that was made by Millard J. Erickson in his book Christian Theology. I’m summing up his statement here but he said in a chapter address the question of what is the church. In it he made a statement that the world is getting confused what the role of the church is because one aspect of what defines a church is that they are the one extension through which God is moving on earth. But we see God moving without us and not needing our help and in fact we are trying to catch up to Him. Should that be the case? Should God even have to work through a channel not christian? I do not mean any disrespect but the thing is isn’t the church God’s representation on earth? and Aren’t Christians supposed to be God’s hands and feet? Then why are not being used by the One who should find us most willing and available?

Has the church Lost it’s role in today’s world? Who’s fault is that?

I think it to be scary that we can lose our worth at all. Isn’t it dangerous and completely frightening? I mean just from the top of my head we see that when a people that suppose to represent God falls out and drops into sin and is ultimately corrupt and cannot fulfill the purpose God has in store for them then we see God judging them and then quite literally shelving them and making for Himself a people that will serve Him.

Whether or not they end up in the same fate as us, our fate is what I am most worried about. Failing the Almighty… goodness what a shameful thought.

How then shall we try to reverse the tide? Can we do so in the face of so much complacency? I admit, I think there is no exemption for me too as I am equally as guilty of the wrongs. God help us… but will we be the willing ones who will be the initial catalyst?

Unbelievable

hahahehesobsobgrr — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 06:17:33 +0000

I don’t really care who read’s this but I am seriously ticked off at how some people can have the ordacity to do what they do. Serving under them has been the biggest pain in the neck!

And having to watch my words now pains me even more. I have no respect for them. Why no one wants to serve? It is because of people like that lah! I’d rather not serve, I want to see my wife receive her license and be there as a husband than to be stuck behind the drums! If it were you, you would give any excuse to not serve. Now you have the ordacity to do deny me the joy and the right to have said yes to do other things already?

You are Unbelievably selfish and Irritating… I’m totally fed up with you!

So This is What You Get!

hahahehesobsobgrr — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 02:25:23 +0000

In the end of the day, what do you get for being strong? what do you get for being nice? What about independent?

You get nothing but loneliness, and hurts. When you walk the road of strength everyone wants to hit you down… no one understands and you’re let all alone to fend, defend and survive on your own.

So what’s the use? why be strong? So I can be hurt? So I can be shoved a side? So people can misunderstand me and scorn at me?

Return to Innocence

hahahehesobsobgrr — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 12:53:27 +0000

I want to re-discover the joys of the forgotten. I want to see things with childish enthusiasm and to lose the sometimes harsh and uncalled for suspicion of adulthood. I want faith in people, I want faith in God as how it has never been, the depth that cannot be shken and the simplicity of complete trust.

I want to lose the complications of unnecessary adulthood and to forget the even ore heavy stress of the things that should not matter.

I want to look at the sky and its vastness with the same wonder as a child, and to experience everything in the wonder of someone discovering it the first time. I want to return to the days where i could be hurt and yet love again. I want to forgive my friends and the people who hurt me the same way a child would after he and his friends quarrel. I want the freedom of having nothing on your mind, the same way it was when I was four.

I want life to live in all the glories and splendor, and yet in all it’s simplicities.

I’m gonna need to get down and dirty!

hahahehesobsobgrr — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 07:52:28 +0000

Sigh i keep coming to the realisation that it is ither i am not practising enough or i’m just not talented in music. i think it is both, but again i’m dumbfounded and also just plain frustrated by what i am playing in my drums. sigh! i’m so sien already not playing anything new, can’t find anything new to play and even worst i’m kinda sick of it already. how?

My Second Marathon

hahahehesobsobgrr — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:38:55 +0000

Just about 2 weeks after my first ever marathon I did my second. And it took me up to 7 hours 45 minutes to complete it. Man that kind of timing was worse than the timing I did in KLIM. So how did my second marathon come out to taking 1 hour 23 minutes longer than my first? It was a very interesting race and very interesting long and tiring. The goals were different situation and organization was also very different. But this was more fulfilling.

This marathon was a shopping marathon. I did it with my darling Charity and we shopped till we dropped. Well it was not all 7 hours walking but more to having lunch and dinner, but we were in such need to find things for our wedding and determined to do so that we made sure we could find it. But the craziest thing is that we shopped for 7 hours but we did not cover all the shops there. Literally there is 2 days of shopping there if you intend to visit and shop in every store.

The longest day started with lunch celebrating Matthew’s (Charity’s brother) birthday. Popeye’s was the place and Fried Chicken was the game and boy was it good!!! Fried Chicken never been so big and mashed potatoes never tasted so good. LOL what a big surprise it was for Charity’s family. They are so used to small portions and KFC and this is such a great change to have such a wonderful meal with them we sat there chatting and chatting and laughing and it was a good family dinner.

Then we walked around not looking for something in particular, but something happened and it changed the course of things. Suddenly in the course of us looking for knick-knacks in a store Charity’s mom called she found the dinner dress for the other wedding dinner we are having. So off we dashed to see what she had in mind and when we entered the store I was certain we would stay for a while. Here I must make mention that malls these days have become more male friendly and store have become that way too. They have begun placing seating avenues in their malls and stores I believe mainly catering for males having have to accompany their other halves to search endlessly through dresses and accessories for the perfect ‘thing’. But for Lionel such things are not an issue I do like shopping too, and so I stayed with her throughout the search for the dress and we found a beautiful dress. I won’t attempt to describe it, but will ask you to look out for it in our wedding blog…

Right after spending about an hour in that one stall the frenzy began we started in search for all we need for the photo shoot. My out fits and her outfits especially shoes. So zip we went round stores of shoes for her and clothings for me and before you know it I announced to Charity: “Congrats Dear, we’ve actually just done a marathon!” That marked the 6 hour 30 minute mark. And by then my legs were aching. It felt as though I really ran a marathon. And we continued for another hour before breaking for dinner. All in all we didn’t spend much but found really cheap clothings. But my outfit isn’t finished yet. The shoes I need for the wedding (since mine is broken – my formal shoes has given way) and the shoes needed for the photo shoot (a brown loafer or something like this:

and lastly a flowery shirt for a picnic.

At the end of the day I had a great time and I think I broke the record for most men in the time hey spent shopping. I’m glad I did it with Charity but if you ask me to do it again I would reconsider seriously. I guess despite the fun and shopping I really did have a good workout. I slept very well that night. And in the end you can say I did do a second marathon – a shopping one, maybe you can call it the Pyramid marathon. LOL.

The Perfect Dress

hahahehesobsobgrr — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 17:52:37 +0000

Monday morning and it was a perfect day. Beautiful morning and clear skies. The morning began with the little mundane routines. I woke up, brushed my teeth, set out to teach my PE class and here is where it gets interesting, one of my students blacked out… he was running the way the normally did and did everything the way that was normal, but he suddenly complained about a tummy ache then went pale. We sat him down and rested him. And he came back to normal we guessed he didn’t sleep well and may be falling sick. But with the morning done, the real day began.

Today we are going to go select the perfect dress for Charity! Malacca was the city; Classic Wedding Castle was our destination. Nervousness was the feeling. The travel there was another adventure, when we reached the Seremban rest house for breakfast; a group of men were loitering around. And when I stopped one of them immediately came and began the harassment he kept offering me a phone it was a nokia N75. And he kept offering and offering even when I said that I don’t want. It was definitely stolen and from the look of it being scratched up and all it was stolen for sure. So when there was a break and he went to harass someone else we ran into KFC the nearest restaurant. There we ate in peace and discovered that KFC does have good and reasonable breakfast menus. I would say more reasonable than McD!

So after breakfast they came back and boy was it really annoying. These men really have nothing to do but destroy people’s travels and good days isn’t it. But as we got on the way the memory of those silly men was blown away and forgotten. So as we got to Malacca town we caught up with Charity’s parents that were already there. We went to town for lunch and I discovered I knew Malacca’s roads better than I thought… how many times have I been there? How come I knew it? Maybe its my mom’s natural GPS inherited to me! YAY!!! But I must admit there was a little help from Foo Mei Fern. But I managed to really get around and that was really something I never thought of myself… *pat self on back* wahahahaha!!!!

We went to Jonker Street to have lunch and did shopping!

My Beauty and the beast @ Jonker

SHOES don't you wanna buy them all!

: She would look so so good in Bali

: Jonker or Bali… its only Jonker… what a nice little corner…

And later when we got to Classic Wedding Castle after being lost we got down to business. Oh I forgot to tell that we were so bored that we begin to take pics for ourselves. And then when we got there, for the first time I saw so many dresses and yet they were beautiful. So Charity, her mom, her aunt, and church member were like kids at the candy store.

Focus Here OK?

Preparing for looking beautiful in a dress

We were sifting through so many dresses I was worried about size and price, but there were beautiful gowns. So after much selection Charity began trying 3 dresses. And for those who know, people look really hard for that perfect dress. I was wondering if that will happen here. I was skeptical but there was some hopefuls. But after every fitting there was some problems with each dress. And I was like wondering if Charity will be disappointed or upset if we could not find a dress…

But it happened. The curtain opened, and I was far off but it was like magic, she appeared with the curtains opened and she looked like an angel, oh so beautiful… I could just hug her and not let her go. I could not burst into tears coz I was so mesmerized. The perfect dress no alterations needed and she looked beautiful and in so many ways it fits everyone’s expectations. So satisfied with everything and selecting the veil and placing everything together the price was SHOCKING. But not the bad kind of SHOCKING! Let’s just say that renting the dress in KL would not even come near to the price of us purchasing this dress, veil, the traveling expenses of the toll and petrol, the food, the buying of knick-knacks and parking and all came to less than that!

Wooohhooo!!! The dress now settled and so many things being settled thank God everything is moving along. And finally I understood certain things about preparing for a wedding: finding the perfect dress.

Love you dear. You looks so beautiful in that dress. Muacks!