I Never Knew It Would Be So Hard!

Life has a way of seeming easy but when you walk that road, it can be the most excruciating journey you will ever embark on. For me I see people and say, that’s do-able, or that’s easy, I’ll be able to do better or just the same but with minimal effort.

 

I call it pride and naivety, more pride than naivety. But that the realization that I am going through with my wedding and even my challenge of the marathon. Come June I must be ready for 42km and I am no where near, but the thing is I keep telling myself I’m not that bad and I’m still ok I still have time. I don’t have the luxury of time and I don’t have the luxury of procrastination. That is my biggest failure in life and I’m so helpless at combating it because I want to break the cycle, but yet when people come along to spur me, I bite at them like a wild beast trapped and frustrated. And in the end I’m left alone and still wallowing in the pits. Sigh, how grim. I want to break the cycle I want the discipline to make my mind and body my slave. I want a relentless spirit, one that will never rest its laurels, I want a drive that can never be quenched.

 

And the next thing is my wedding. It’s so tough and so frustrating Charity and I are just resorting to let go and if we really do get married, Hurray! But even if we don’t its like who cares!? We gave up the will to struggle to make things work we get more frustrated and we get so tired and mad at ourselves in the end. What is the purpose of marriage? The celebration of two lives becoming one? Or is it for every one to be happy dress up, look good, show off, make a statement or is it really making it a day for people to remember it? Resorts claim to make it memorable but they don’t care, companies say that they understand it is all just a façade making themselves look caring, but in actual fact they don’t care. All this PR is just to make you feel loved and cared for, it creates a very shallow understanding of care. Many talk the talk, but never walk the walk.

               

                How then? What now? I’m frustrated and lost. Tired and just un-motivated. Dull and hurtful… I feel like a durian that fell to the floor so hard although people want to pick it up is smell and thorns drive others away like a natural mosquito repellant. Where is my focus, have I lost it that bad? Am I that bad?

This Is Who We Should Be!

This is an abstract from an assignment I did for a subject in my studies a reflection on something I heard from somewhere but I can’t remember. I would like to acknowledge the real author but I just can’t figure out where I heard it before. So if anyone knows please do let me know for his work is brilliant. I’ve adapted it and took its essence and applied it to something I felt strongly about.

            Here’s the deal, we have made the church a social club. There once was a story of a costal town where shipwrecks frequently happened. But the fatality rate was surprisingly low. It was because there was a small shed which sat right at the water’s edge with a small group of dedicated men looking out for shipwrecks and rescuing drowning sailors. The shed was simple, shabby and rather run down. But it offered hope and assurance that no matter what happened there is someone looking out for the welfare of the sailors. Soon many lives were saved and touched by the mission of the shed. And the people blessed by the rescuers and the mission of the shed gave back to the group of people and even joined them in their life saving efforts. So a brand new shed was built, beautiful and well painted. The metal bunks replaced with nice comfortable beds, the hard wood floor replaced with plush carpeting, the little fire place sitting in the middle of the room that gave warmth to wet and cold sailors was changed into a large bricked fire place with a log fire burning always. Although the changes were made, the life saving mission still happened, but soon, some of the members are getting annoyed that the wet cold sailors are wetting and ruining the carpet, sofas and beds. So after awhile a small group broke from the original house now turned fraternity and restored the original mission of the shed. But as it continued to rescue and save lives, the trend continued like the first shed. Now along the coast many shipwrecks still happen, but hardly anyone is rescued and the fatality rate is extremely high, because all the sheds have turned into clubs.

            The church has almost become like this. Thank God it hasn’t reached that state but we will be if we do not change soon. We have forgotten to stand for the weak, the helpless and the needy. We were saved because we were helpless and lost. We were drowning in our sin but now that we have it good, we forget. The church is  in danger of being a social club concerned with rules and facades, forgetting its original mission and how and why we exist in the first place. Like Paul standing for a slave (Onesimus) that has no worth, a slave that should be punished for his sins, Paul stood by him, rescued him, and gave him a life and a reason to live. Got hi act together and is now vouching for him. We must not lose sight of what we are called to do: feed the needy, defend the weak and stand for justice. And I believe we will relive the mission of old and see so much more people coming to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior. We will save these drowning souls and give them a reason to live.

            This is how we should be. Maybe its time for us to remember that and come back to God.

I Hate Throw Offs!

 

I hate throw offs, I do. I’m a person that just hates changes to schedules and sudden changes and inconveniences. Maybe I face it so often at work I got sick of it. maybe it’s my ADHD and mainly I blame that but I really get upset and get so cheesed of when that happens to me. And this year has been a lot of that and more importantly when I am at camp. The youth camp this year was such a throw off and honestly I was so boiled up inside I just didn’t know what to do at times. And what more, I hate throw offs at camp, especially at camp. To me camp is vital for inspiration, refilling, just overall goodness must flow from camp. For me camp usually has to be great, and not boring, physically exciting and lots of chill out.

This camp was another great throw off. First was the departure, not only were the people late, well not that late but late enough I was anxious that the traffic will be so clogged because of people travelling and I hate jams. Throw off no. 1. Ok so finally we are ready to go and everyone is here, but the campsite being relatively unknown made it that all the cars had to follow to lead cars and one had to be the tail car. So a convoy and formation was formed, and we rolled out. Throw off no. 2 – apparently our church members have no idea how important it is to keep to predetermined speed limits and formations in a convoy! And the lead car did not think to inform tail cars if there would be a stray or a car turning back. But left us all guessing and trying to catch up. Throw off because I was upset the drivers were just going on their own way which they shouldn’t, but they don’t really care, but I was worried that they won’t find the campsite. Although it is premature because we are on a highway, but I just hate a sudden change of the system and that they did not follow simple explicit instructions.

Well the journey went on and we reached the campsite, after a long while. The journey seemed to take longer than expected, but I enjoyed the view of the drive, and the treasure hunt was also a good way to keep me awake. But upon arrival and a famished stomach because we were to eat breakfast at the campsite; we were greeted by a breakfast so measly it was horrible!!! How can there be not enough food for KKAOG!? LOL we love our food right? But anyways that was just a minor throw off, which lead to throw off 3. Just before we began our service, a vital fuse that regulates power to the block our lodging and meeting hall blew, leaving us with no air-con and in the dark. What a way to start everything.

The resort swiftly rectified that and placed us in a different hall and got power back up really fast. Kudos to the team and management! Then we went out for a caving exploration and jungle trekking. I enjoyed those activities a lot! But I was kinda disappointed with the attitude of some of the people, upon hearing that there will be leeches and ‘natural’ stuff, they refrained and had a million excuses NOT to go, I would go at a whim man! The cave was nothing really too spectacular, but you get to see the wonder of God in different ways and it was something really different and refreshing. It was nice and it felt quite comfortable, it was easy enough for everyone and yet nice, and an eye opener for many. My only complaint is the guide is long winded, maybe it’s just the way of a more laid back culture. The jungle trek was nice it was challenging, more than the many trails I have gone where it was just steps and easy trails. But this was really good trails of logs and thick under growth and just something refreshingly different from the usual boring trails and this had really good nature display, fallen trees, great ancient stones that are not the foundations of great trees, beautiful displays of creation. And the river crossing was just so fun! The water; oh so cool and swift. Not dangerous although the church members made it sound like a raging torrent to thread! Well there were episodes of ‘the attack of the leeches’ but I don’t think these were that great, though the screamed SO loud!!! I think leeches have got a bad press and we really misunderstand them the poor little things aren’t that bad. In fact they are good, it’s just we city slickers can except anything that doesn’t feel or look hygienic and feels urky. What more the idea that it sucks our blood!!! So anyway some were bitten, and this is where I have discovered something quite interesting I have been in the jungle many times and encountered many leeches, but I have never been bitten by them. I would be able to pull it off and get them off before they bite me or they just never sucked me. So any way I picked two leeches to try to coax them to suck me. And I waited. And waited for them to do their natural instinct. But after a long wait, they just would not bite. Maybe leeches find my skin too thick, or protected by a layer of fat that they find hard to penetrate, or just not tasty. Either way they just don’t bite me.

And after the tiring hike and cave we make our way home. Cold and tired we reached home and had our dinner. And while getting ready, the electricity to the entire resort was cut off, the main line blew. At that point I had enough. I was pissed, annoyed at some people and just have quite a bad day. The meeting went on though and some of us had no chance to get freshened up for the service. Throw off no 4. And next was the biggest throw off in the camp – God moved! That service, God decided to move in such a way no one can deny Him being there and the weight of the glory of God could be felt in such a tangible way! Knees wwere bowed, tears were cried, a parable was shared and many lives were changed from that moment on because they came face to face with the Living God! One word – Amazing! Describes it all.

The next day things went on fine with the tour of the cottage industries which included a peanut factory, tou foo factory, mushrooms, then a elephant sanctuary and a deer sanctuary. Nothing short of tiring and the weather was beating down on us hard with each stop. And frankly some people just annoyed me. And throw off no 5. The bus upon faithfully serving us the entire day broke down! 30km from the resort. A distance near to behold but too far to imagine. LOL. But the replacement was really fast and comfy. Throw off no. 6 was the paintball at the end of the camp. They were delayed by an entire hour and the marshal was just too longwinded for my taste. Or I was just anxious to shoot people. but sadly not everyone was a good sport and could take the pain. And I have to admit I am also not the best of sports but the pain was not that bad for me. But among the people we had some really interesting surprises in Chris Chin and Aunty Michelle! They were amazingly good and while my team lost miserably in the championship match, we still had fun.

I still hate throw offs, and although good that has come from the throw off seem clearer now u still find them hard to deal with. But if it wasn’t for the throw off I don’t think God could have moved so greatly. He had to throw us off so we were just expectant; He had to throw us off so that we would focus on Him. I believe now that if not for the throw offs I would not see some people in different lights, I would not see people not normally talking chatting away. I would not get to know people I normally do not have the chance to catch, I would not see families coming together, I would not see people that were more particular than me in always such good cheer, I would not have seen things in a different light and God may not have been able to move that wonderfully and we experience him so marvellously, ministering so deeply. Still I hate throw offs, but I am learning o cope with them. The lessons learnt were far deeper than I can digest and is a big challenge for me. I look forward to learn them and apply them, for one I must walk my talk and talk my walk more. I must embody Christ and not just live a form without the true power! I hate throw offs, I do, but I can learn to love them too! J

What Have We Become!?

I was thinking over things. And I have come to realise a few things… this may sound like a melancholic posts but I am genuinely concerned and I don’t know how else to voice it out. I am struggling with this myself and just am working through the problem looking for a solution. And I am hoping that I can find one. I admit I am guilty of this same problem I am writing about, I;m not trying to be self righteous here this same words I write apply to me, I am part of what I am writing, maybe that’s why I feel frustrated and monstrous!

                I was hearing this song and it spoke so much to me. Actually it is a whole bunch of songs from Casting Crowns… hearing the songs and letting the message just cut deep into my soul I feel unworthy of the road and the call I have been trusted. Here we are called to reach out to the world, here we are called to be the light of the world, here we are the salt of the earth the very people called to make a difference to the world. We are to be the representatives of God to the world. WE are to be loving them like Jesus. We are to love them unconditionally, we the church are to love this hurting world especially when they come in our doors and they look to us to be the hands that Jesus would use to ease their pains and heal the wounds.

                But sadly the church can have fallen so far from that mark. We may have well turned into a social club in many ways. We have extravagant programs and spend effort and considerable budgets, professional, planned, precise. Where is God in that? Was God seriously in every aspect or did He just clean up the messes we made and still ministered despite our mess? We make emotions minister more than the silent actions we do. Did our program change the life of the people that came? I mean really change? What happens after that? Do they grow on their own? Are numbers all we see? Success in ministry is quantifiable? Statics can prove success and God moving?

                Where are the days we walk in the shoes of another for the second mile? Where are the days that we will accept a prostitute or a sinner in our midst despite his or her filth and sins? Why won’t we stand beside a brother or sister as they face their demons and struggle with their spiritual life? Can’t we admit we struggle with our faith and the reality of God!? Why does a sinner have to walk into church feeling uncomfortable? Why does the prostitute or anyone who smokes or people outside the church, why must they feel uncomfortable in church or feel any less than themselves when they step into our doors?

                Why can’t we be the body of Christ, are we truly representing God? Are all these systems necessary? Can’t we step up and make a difference? Can’t we love them and just love them? Do we truly do the best for God? Are we improving ourselves so we can serve Him better? Is our service entirely devoted to Him? To we help the helpless, be the voice to the voiceless, are we the defender of the weak, clothing the naked, feeding the hungry? Are doing what we were put on this earth to do? That has become my burden, and me pain. I feel like I am the least of examples t point to Christ. I feel I fail to point so many to Him. I have failed in so many ways as a Christian, how many people have I turned out of the doors from my high and lofty stares? How many people have I hurt with my self-centredness, how many people have stumbled from my testimony? Does the man on the street feel and see the love of God through me?

                That is the biggest challenge. If God is such a great and mighty God, If God is So Big and we believe it, then why doesn’t he shine through because we can’t hide such a large thing. I pray we be truly used by God that we love and give even at the risk of ourselves.   

May these songs be a reminder and an inspiration to us. Look up Castong Crowns – Love Them Like Jesus, Does Anybody Hear Her, and If We Are The Body

Sad LaL (Grr… Post, or is it Sob Sob

Sigh its supposedly another holiday again. But, I do not get to do anything that really makes me happy. It’s not like I have any rest, the work from the crash courses are still waiting, the current course work is there, and I have more and more responsibilities added on to me. Sigh, I wanna holiday to just get away and just enjoy nature, do something I love, spend time with family and my love. Grr….

Its like this today is Friday supposedly the start of the holidays, but I’m on a mission… then its end Sunday and I will rush back to church to attend the evening service and hang out with my youths  and on Monday morning I agreed to playing at the AG General Council Meeting, and be a teller there ( It’ll be exciting) but it’s just long! It takes two whole day and nights. So Monday and Tuesday is taken up. Then comes Wednesday, and I bet that will be taken up with trying to get everything ready for the camp. Thursday comes the camp where we will be there from Thursday to Sunday, and being a youth camp you can imagine how much energy it takes to keep up with them… LOL and then there is Sunday service again and I am playing. Then it’s back to teaching on Monday and back to school in the afternoon and back to school!!!

There is NO, absolutely NO REST! I WANNA HOLIDAY just to be a holiday resting and relaxing. Sigh! I guess this is the price you pay to be responsible and older… hahahaha….

Sometimes the jingle of Toys  R’ Us seems to ring true, “I don’t wanna grow up….” just stay young care free and just enjoy life and the world around.

I so got to learn to take things easy and just enjoy and have more serious fun and at the same time segregate my time properly man. I know I have been saying ti for years, and I have achieved it in many ways but I seem to keep needing to strive and hit a higher level every time… as of right now I am tired of the many things that is going on and happening in my life. I just wanna break free and live life again… I feel so chocked up!!!! Grrrrr…….. I wanna feel joy again!