42.195

Was it necessary? Many have asked me what it was like, some ask why do it? Some asked me do I love running and why and some asked me how it felt… this attempts to just answer how that is like and what it was like for me. The experiences may vary from individual to individual but this is my personal journey, this is my story.

It all begins on a Friday night somewhere 4 months ago… or was it 3… but it began when I signed up. Wilson Wee and I planned to run a marathon but this was kinda soon. But seeing that the organizer was Standard Charted (we thought it was the same organizers as the Singapore International Marathon), we registered and decided to gear ourselves up for the run.

We have never really ran considerable distances. The furthest I ran is 23km at that moment so taking on a 42.195km was daunting and I was so not ready for it but I thought that in 3 months I could do it.

Training began and I found a weekday night to add additional runs and it seems everything was good. I was building millage and fitness was up I was getting tired as I was pushing the envelope in my body and it felt good. I was getting slightly thinner and I was feeling good about the race.

Two months passed and I was not ready and I was not exactly in perfect shape in terms of millage. But as time drew near I was also trying to really balance everything… something I can’t really do. Balance is not something that ADHD people do very well but for me it is also amplified by my personality and the situations around me. But training still continued and I believe I got fitter and as race day approached the pressure to perform is really mounting. And I got really nervous. The thought of not running came to my mind even if I registered…. I’m glad I didn’t opt out.

Two weeks before the race… I finally broke the 25km mark and I felt really good breaking it, but sadly I would not be able to break the 30km mark to get my body ready and mind ready for the race. The week before the race I rested really well maybe too well but time did not permit for me to really squeeze me anymore runs to help my body stay sharp. Mentally though I was struggling and nervous. And even if she doesn’t know I think that Charity my dear felt my nervousness and she was worried and really struggling to be positive about the run. And honestly I was too.

The night before the race I mentally made up my mind though I was nervous but there was so much things to settle before the race and I had so many ways to stretch myself. I didn’t think I was ready and I had to take my youth group out because there was one original chaperon that can’t make it. At last I could not sleep early. So I had to sleep in the afternoon, hoping it will help. And although I loved the time with the youth I just could not shake race fear from my mind.

11pm the night before the race and I still was not asleep. My stress levels and worry levels were rising though the roof, and I was getting frustrated. But finally at 12 I managed to sleep but I was to be up by 3… would I have enough rest? Will my blood pressure really go through the roof when I run? I was worried… but God blessed me with extremely good sleep. I remember whispering a prayer in spite all my swelling thoughts and worries for God to give me a miraculous sleep, and he did. My sleep of three hours felt like 8. And wow when I woke at 3 I felt fresh. And as we made it to Dataran Merdeka the start line of the race I had butterflies flying like sparrows in my stomach. Gosh was I nervous.

At this point I must comment my disappointment with the race organizers. It was terrible and the fact that Standard Charted was a well known race organizer was so so disappointing. The race collection day was a mess and the entire system was just unreasonable. Not to mention the volunteers were not helpful and just made a mess out of things. This of course added on to my fears. Will they be able to fulfill their promise and take care of us runners? What about those that really are slow like me? And I was right water stations had no water throughout the race especially from kilometers 23 or 24 all the way to about 30, the medical personal were not at their positions, there was no relief or ointment for cramps at almost all stations I only got at 2 stations. I literally had to beg by standers for help throughout the race. And what more the planning of the route was not bad but the placement of things were. Sponging stations in the beginning of the race is valueless as there is no heat of the sun beating down on the runners. It would have been good at the 25km onwards, fruit stations were at the 15^th kilometer… what was that about? Fruits should be at the 25 onwards where we really needed sustenance. Leave it to non runners to plan it, clearly they did not ask Singapore for help or things might have been better. Did the organizers run the route or sat in their nice air-conditioned cars and just viewed the race? Did the sponsors check to see if the water stations were adequate? The capacity of the race was so small compared to their counterparts in Singapore which hosts 40,000 were only at 12,000 and we cannot cope. Shamefully and painfully they make a marathon painful and a fear, and their ridiculous planning hurts people more than they help. Opening the roads at 6 hours when the race timing ends in 6 hours. What about late runners. Could they have held the road for one more hour to help keep the runners safe? Runners run at their own risk but did they consider that as organizers their job holds longer than that? If the City council doesn’t agree then I would say for 12 years organizing or hosting a marathon more wisdom should have been there. Officials were not wise or sensitive to anything but just had a Malaysian mindset of setting things and not caring what the outcome is. GENIUS!!! They clearly do not know the joy of running or completing a marathon, they obviously do not have the runners welfare in mind especially the slower runners, do not only care for the faster runners but ALL runners. Are you saying we are not valuable or worthy to be cared for?

Back to my story of the race. At 4.45 am after all the final stretching I get into the race pen and thus begin the longest run of my life. As the blessings of God poured to cool the beginning of the race, I heard a comment that it is actually a small turn out compared to other races, but it’s alright I’ll still have fun. *bang* the gun fired and off the race went. Summarizing…. I struggled the first 10km which I could not understand picked up the second 10km, struggled the next 10 due to dehydration and poor organizing from the organizers and crawled through the last 12km.

I was in so much pain I cried as I approached the finishing line. The pain so immense that every step was like knives stabbing into my legs at every joint and tendon. Cramps were plaguing me and every movement excruciating on my muscles. But I resolved to finish and finish strong and that was what I did. I collapsed when I crossed the line, but I did it.

Why then was it necessary for me to do this? Because I learnt invaluable lessons in it.  I learnt the power of a human will that can carry you through even the toughest situation, in today’s simple and convenient life there is no test to the will and no one is willing to put themselves through pain. I just needed to see what I am made of, and I know I am better than I thought I am, not one now can tell me less, I realize my weakness but see more will and strength more. Funny how the will of man can overcome even the most difficult situation when his heart is resolved.

It learnt the power of going through hardship and how it brings people together. For us who finished slow, or struggled we came together. Put men and women in a position where there is lack and difficulty and you will see them come together and pull each other through. I witnessed it first hand when an elderly runner helped a young runner through the last 12km despite a severed cramp. I saw runners encouraged each other even when there was nothing left in them, I saw people reaching out to complete strangers in need just because they were able to spare just a little bit. I saw ego put aside and humanness laid bare, I saw the essence of kindness, known what a good Samaritan is, I saw friendship experienced the shame of begging and the shame of my own culture (no one from Malaysia cheered of us runners – maybe expect a girl I call “nice shorts” girl). I experienced the strength of the human soul and pain of knowing that you can be defeated. I experience what it is not to give up and the pain of enduring even when you can’t go on. I known what breaking the limits is, or teetering on the edge of giving up and hanging on. And I known what it means to set yourself aside for others sake and to see them be a friend, true friend even though for a while.

I learnt what Paul said to ‘beat your body and make it your slave’ I learnt what it meant to keep your eyes on the prize, I learnt the joy of completion and how it felt when a multitude, of people who have walked and ran the same journey you did felt your pain cheers you to the finish line. And what a glorious thing it will be at the gates of heaven.

I want to write every experience down but I think I will have to split it up. This is for now. I hope it answers why it was necessary for me to go through such a torture to my body. I hate the organizers still, but despite all that nonsense I saw the human spirit prevailed and in all its beauty. That to me was worth the pain and worth the race despite all the biggest flaws.