Life has a way of seeming easy but when you walk that road, it can be the most excruciating journey you will ever embark on. For me I see people and say, that’s do-able, or that’s easy, I’ll be able to do better or just the same but with minimal effort.
I call it pride and naivety, more pride than naivety. But that the realization that I am going through with my wedding and even my challenge of the marathon. Come June I must be ready for 42km and I am no where near, but the thing is I keep telling myself I’m not that bad and I’m still ok I still have time. I don’t have the luxury of time and I don’t have the luxury of procrastination. That is my biggest failure in life and I’m so helpless at combating it because I want to break the cycle, but yet when people come along to spur me, I bite at them like a wild beast trapped and frustrated. And in the end I’m left alone and still wallowing in the pits. Sigh, how grim. I want to break the cycle I want the discipline to make my mind and body my slave. I want a relentless spirit, one that will never rest its laurels, I want a drive that can never be quenched.
And the next thing is my wedding. It’s so tough and so frustrating Charity and I are just resorting to let go and if we really do get married, Hurray! But even if we don’t its like who cares!? We gave up the will to struggle to make things work we get more frustrated and we get so tired and mad at ourselves in the end. What is the purpose of marriage? The celebration of two lives becoming one? Or is it for every one to be happy dress up, look good, show off, make a statement or is it really making it a day for people to remember it? Resorts claim to make it memorable but they don’t care, companies say that they understand it is all just a façade making themselves look caring, but in actual fact they don’t care. All this PR is just to make you feel loved and cared for, it creates a very shallow understanding of care. Many talk the talk, but never walk the walk.
How then? What now? I’m frustrated and lost. Tired and just un-motivated. Dull and hurtful… I feel like a durian that fell to the floor so hard although people want to pick it up is smell and thorns drive others away like a natural mosquito repellant. Where is my focus, have I lost it that bad? Am I that bad?
